Outnumbered Two to One

I have them every so often, these self doubting parenting moments. I think from the moment my oldest daughter was delivered I knew instinctively I was scarring her for life. Those first few weeks were riddled with anxiety and crying jags. She survived though and she wears her scars pretty well I should add.

Everyone commits minor parenting faux pas. A little too much TV before bedtime, cereal and milk for dinner, occasionally allowing the Playstation to babysit, letting the baby wear his PJs all day. No big deal.

Sometimes though, I really step in it and those mistakes are harder to admit. My five year old son was eating his dinner this evening sitting crosslegged on the floor of my mom’s house. I wasn’t paying attention because I was following the baby around with a spoonful of beans and rice, which he was deftly dodging. At some point my son walks away from his plate of food, leaving it wide open for my mom’s mutt to devour. So of course, rather than own up to my role in this less than disastrous disaster, I fly off the handle and go on a shrieking rant about how he should have been paying attention. Nevermind the fact there were at least five other people in the room who could have just as easily kept an eye out, since my little boy is only five. He cried and I might have used the “F” word once.

I can’t even justify that. I acted like a butt. So I apologized and fed him food the dog hadn’t slobbered on and he was fine. We even had a good laugh about how his toes end up in my nostrils everytime he sneaks into our bed.

The point is I don’t want to have to apologize for being less than rational, for ripping a five year old a new one, for being scary. I don’t want to but I know it won’t be the last time, because last I checked I was human and sometimes that overwhelmed feeling sneaks up on me and I don’t know I’m standing on the brink of a meltdown until I’m tumbing head first into it. My kids have them, so how can I expect myself to be immune.

My little boy forgave me, so I’ll take his lead and forgive me too, at least for tonight.

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