Outnumbered Two to One

Repeat after me.

I, (state your name), do solemnly swear to never ever divulge any of the lurid details of my adolescence or young adulthood to my children. In recounting tales of mischief, mayhem, carelessness, and possible illegal activities, I do hereby promise to omit any reference to the following:

running with scissors / lying to parents or other adults / riding in a car without a seat belt /hitching rides with strangers / riding on the back of a motorcycle without a helmet / wearing inappropriate or revealing clothing and or make up / failing a class due to lack of interest or effort / copious use of the “f”, “s” or “b” words or any combination thereof /disregarding or disrespecting authority /cutting, skipping, or ditching school /sneaking out of the house after dark / getting a tattoo and or body piercing / loitering /vandalism / cigarette smoking /underage drinking /binge drinking / premarital sex /mild or heavy drug use /shop lifting / arson / cow-tipping / drag strip racing /gambling / smuggling / money laundering /dog fighting /

and/or any other dangerous behavior as I see fit. Rather than relate these anecdotes as they occurred, I will instead interject various wholesome substitutes that will cast me in a better light and possibly deter them from making poor decisions.

Among acceptable alternates are:

raising money for a charity / sponsoring a bake sale / joining the chess club / hosting Friday night study sessions / making rice krispie treats / bouncing on a trampoline / volunteering at an orphanage / picking strawberries / helping reupholster an ottoman / reading poetry / napping / teaching myself to knit /writing haiku / watching The Sound of Music /

These strategic adjustments to my history are not to be viewed as dishonest, merely as a safety precaution. This is my parenting duty against the possibility of my child some day uttering the words, “But you did it, why shouldn’t I?”

This is my oath on this 22nd day of September 2008.

Disclaimer: This fictitious oath is in no way a reflection of me or my adolescence or any stupid decisions I may or may not have made. I am by no means poking fun of past members of chess clubs, bake sales, haiku writers, teen knitters, or fans of The Sound of Music. Really, I LOVE The Sound of Music. 

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