Outnumbered Two to One

I am not always the horrible parent I make myself out to be. (Thanks, by the way, to all of you who commented to remind me I am not alone in that self titled designation.) Occasionally, I do things right, or while not right maybe not so obviously wrong. These are moments that warrant a congratulatory pat, moments I might want to immortalize in writing should my adult child try to say otherwise during their lengthy and overpriced therapy sessions.

1. I have spent many a night fast asleep on a floor because a child was afraid of the dark and did not want to be alone. Does wonders for my spine actually.

2. I have willingly watched countless hours of children’s programming throughout every child’s weird obsessions with Barney, Teletubbies, Elmo’s World, various Disney films, all the Jurassic Park movies, and most recently Yo Gabba Gabba.

3. During middle of the night bed invasions, I always relinquish my side of the bed to a frightened groggy child, often sleeping in various pretzel contortions to accommodate them.

4. I’ve been known to spend hours at a time in front of the television, with a PS2 controller in a death grip trying to complete a level of some video game for a frustrated child.

5. I’ve also been known to purposely throw a video game match, or board game, or card game to help boost a small child’s ego.

6. I’ve taken my children to Chuck E. Cheese more than once, which has got to be considered one of the levels of hell, seriously. Cheesy foot smelling hell.

7. If I have any spare money, I would rather buy something for my children instead of anything for myself, even though I’m still wearing tee-shirts from almost a decade ago. (Sad, I know.)

8.  I’ve spent days driving around with a Spongebob Squarepants soundtrack in my CD player, just because it makes the kids happy. I also end up spending days with the “Gary Come Home” song in my head.

9. I don’t ever cook anything spicy or with mushrooms because the kids don’t like them, even though it’s some of my favorite stuff to eat.

10. I’ve spent days hard at work on science projects for my kids, even though I never actually did one while I was at school.

11. I’ve cleaned up a lot of barf. Seriously. Four of the throw-upiest babies ever. Countless stomach flus. Do they give medals for that kind of thing?

12. I play, dammit. On the floor. Cars, dinosaurs, wrestling, Barbies, bowling, hide & seek. I’ve even crawled in those glorified hamster tubes at that stinky Cheese place without being prompted.

13. Most importantly, I do NOT give in to that urge. The one I get sometimes in the pit of my stomach that says “Go. Now. Slip out the front door. They’re not looking. Run away!” I stick around. I know, it’s my obligation to as a mother but it’s still a choice, isn’t it?

Who could walk away from all this though?

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