Nov 07 2008
Common Misconceptions
It’s been a long Friday.
Heck it’s been a long week. Today in particular though, was fraught with domestic drama both minor and major. So much so that I began to wonder if perhaps there was some confusion or basic miscommunication between myself and the four lovely offspring.
I’ve decided to clarify a few things for both our benefits, unspoken rules that apparently need to be broadcast in surround sound for the younglings to comprehend them.
1. When playing catch with mom, please do not aim for her face with the football.
2. If you’ve got a significant dusting of play sand on your hands, do not rub your eyes with them.
3. Stop whining. About. Every. Thing.
4. A banana is a poor choice of plaything, neither is it a flattering accessory, if you’re not going to eat it, just put it down.
5. Stop screaming for no reason, otherwise when you have a legitimate reason to scream it might be ignored.
6. If mom is fully clothed and outside the bathtub, assume she does not need to get washed and try not to drench her in three quarts of dirty bathwater.
7. It’s not funny when the naked baby pees on the carpet, please stop giggling and grab the paper towels.
8. Stop whining. Seriously. I am almost positive you have a normal tone of voice.
9. Keep your feet out of each other’s faces at all times.
10. Stop screaming. For the love of all that is pure and sweet in this world, stop screaming. Especially when I’m on the phone, or when there’s someone at the door, or when the neighbors are peering over the fence to make sure no one is getting massacred. Just stop.
Maybe I’ll get through to them. When they’re 40.
