Outnumbered Two to One

Sadly I have been under the impression that I had some wisdom to impart upon my darling two year old son. As a parent, I was convinced it was my sole responsibility to teach him the time tested basics of social behavior. Simple etiquette techniques like saying please and thank you. Unspoken rules like refraining from washing your hands in the toilet.

I was misinformed. It is my toddler who is teaching me. Instructing me in the not-so-subtle art of manipulation. Executing effective strategies that will one day help me to win over friends and influence my peers. I’ll share some of them here with you today.

1. A boisterous laugh can cover a multitude of sins. For example, you can slap a grown man in the face or pull a woman’s shirt collar down to her navel, effectively exposing a boob, then laugh loudly as if it’s all part of a grand joke and all will be forgiven. I’m pretty sure this would also work just as adequately when you’re insulting someone.

“You’re a furry faced muffin licker. Hahahahahaha. Your mother wears combat boots. Hahahahahaha.”

“I should be insulted but all this insane laughter clearly means this entire exchange is all in jest. I am thoroughly amused.”

2. If you’ve provoked someone’s rage, hide for a brief time. If you can’t see them, then they clearly can’t see you. Then when you emerge from your hiding place, they will be subsequently surprised and incapable of scolding, spanking and/or strangling you.

“That little muffin licker ate a box of crayons.

Wait, where did he go?

Here he is, he was playing peek-a-boo, isn’t that sweet?

What box of crayons?”

3. When someone is interrogating you about something you may or may not have accidentally broken or eaten, pretending to be asleep mid sentence, will effectively end the conversation. Occasionally this can lead to actual sleep, when you wake up you will be beyond suspicion and chances are someone will bring you a snack.

“Why you little…

Aw, he’s asleep. Shh, don’t wake him.

Let’s make him a warm batch of cookies from scratch to reward him when he gets up.”

4. When all else fails, shriek and cry at the top of your lungs. The benefit is twofold, while it will sometimes create the diversion you need to get away, other times it will draw a wave of people who will give you anything you want to ensure you stop that infernal ear piercing noise.

“For God’s sake give him whatever he wants, my ears are bleeding.”

I hope you’ve learned something. I know I have.

Shh. I’m sleeping.

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