Outnumbered Two to One

7:30 am - Woke Mom up by shouting her name repeatedly until she stumbled in with her eyes half closed and picked me up.

7:31 am - Continued saying Mom’s name until she filled my bottle full of soy milk, then pitched a screaming fit because she tightened the lid without letting me help.

7:33 am - Pitched a screaming fit because Mom put me down on the sofa when I really wanted to be in her bed.

7:34 am - Pitched a screaming fit because Mom attempted to change my diaper while I was still pitching a screaming fit over the bed.

7:35 am - Drank my soy milk with a dry diaper. It was nice.

7:55 am - Pitched a fit when I realized Mom was in the bathroom without me.

8:00 am - Pitched a fit when Mom didn’t put my shoes on before my brother’s.

8:05 am - Pitched a fit because my sister turned off the television even though she knows that’s my thing in the morning.

8:10 am - Pitched a fit because Mom didn’t let me climb up in to my car seat by myself.

8:13 am - Rode in the car while we dropped the other kids off at school, Mom played the Muppets. It was nice.

8:30 am - Pitched a fit because Mom wouldn’t let me unlock the front door with her keys.

8:35 - Pitched a fit because Mom wouldn’t let me fill up the dogs’ water bowls. What is her problem anyway?

8:40 - Pitched a fit because Mom made me come inside from the backyard, only to make me walk out the front door, just to get in the car again to take another sister to school. Then she wouldn’t let me climb up in to my car seat like before…what did she think was going to happen?

9:00 am - Watched Backyardigans. Told Mom yes, I wanted pancakes, except I really didn’t and I had no intention of eating them.

9:20 am - Backyardigans was over so I pulled seven DVD cases off the shelves and tried to pry the discs out before Mom could wrestle them out of my hands.

9:30 am - Pitched a fit because the dogs ate the pancakes I had not intention of eating myself.

9:35 am - Went to my room and pulled as many of my brother’s toys as I could get out of the box, even though I have no intention of playing with them.

9:55 am - Got hungry, wished for pancakes, then pitched a fit for a Hershey’s kiss. Mom gave me cereal instead. That woman never listens.

10:00 am -  Went outside and tried to play with a plastic baseball bat. I think it was broken because it didn’t do anything so I threw it in to the grass and pitched a fit, except this time I tripped and fell on the concrete, which made me really angry, so I pitched another fit on top of the first one. I don’t think anyone could tell the difference.

10:10 am - Mom filled a watering can for me and let me water the plants, only I watered the concrete instead. Also I pitched a fit when it was empty.

10:30 am - Mom said she would make me a hard boiled egg except she wouldn’t let me hold the egg, so I said “aw, man” and pitched a fit.

10:45 am - Mom brought me a perfectly cooked hard boiled egg which I ate with a sprinkle of salt. When I was finished I asked her for more but she said “all done”. What the hell? Does she want me to eat or not? I pitched a fit.

11:00 am - Hid in my bedroom behind the door so I could poop in privacy. It was nice.

11:10 am - Mom came looking for me, she sensed something was amiss. When she asked me if I had poop, I said no and ran away. She caught me and tried to change my diaper, except she wouldn’t let me reach down and wipe for myself, so I tried to pitch a fit but she pitched a louder one which made me quiet down and be still.

11:20 am - Started feeling tired so I spun circles in the living room until I got dizzy and fell down, then pitched a fit

11:30 am - Hid beneath some furniture because it seemed like a good place to lie down.

11:45 am - Mom took me to my bed for some night-night even though it was still day time which didn’t even make sense. I thought about pitching a fit but my eyes. felt. so. heavy. And I meant to get really angry, but. then. I. just. fell. asleep.

To Be Continued…

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