Outnumbered Two to One

I think Google is talking to me.

Lately some of the searches I’ve gotten seem less like item look-ups and more like legitimate, thought provoking questions. People are turning to the web to seek solutions to some of their more pressing issues. Whether or not they’re finding them, I’ve no way of knowing, but I thought I’d provide a few answers for them just in case.

1. Can a toddler go to the movies? I suppose he can, but you’d probably have to drive him and buy the ticket, since generally they’re not tall enough to reach the accelerator or box office window.
2. How do I start a pointless argument? Usually by asking a pointless question that you probably already know the answer to.
3. What is a typical two year old like? They’re kind of unpredictable, like wild little monkeys only more devious and with less hair.
4. Where can I complain about my internet company? First you’d have to find someone who cared enough to listen and as far as I can tell, those people are a myth and don’t actually exist. They’ve been replaced by automated voice services designed to direct you in circles as it slowly saps you of your remaining sanity so that by the time the phone call has ended, you no longer care about your internet company’s crappy service.
5. Why would a toddler put there finger in there mouth far enough to throw up? In my experience, usually just to torment their parents. See my previous monkey statement.
6. How much does DJ Lance Yo Gabba Gabba salary? Not enough considering he’s always wearing the same clothes and his gigantic boom-box is grossly outdated. Also I don’t think your question is grammatically correct.
7. What diseases can you get from cockroaches biting your genitals? I don’t have an actual answer for this, it just prompted more questions like, why exactly are cockroaches crawling on your naked genitals? I’m trying to think about how a situation like that would ever arise and can’t come up with anything except being chained in someone’s basement, in which case I doubt you’d have internet access. Keep the roaches off your privates is all I can advise.
8. Can I give my toddler Nyquil? No. Really don’t do it.
9. Why is my toddler so lethargic? Doping him up on Nyquil probably did the trick.
10. Why is my toddler scratching his genitals? Usually itching prompts scratching, unless you’re the guy with roaches on his privates.
11. How can I stay to myself, ignore a lot of drama? I’d guess by staying to yourself and ignoring the drama. Is that a trick question?
12. Why no sick days for mommy? Mostly because we’re not unionized and have a substandard benefits package.
13. What does outnumbered two to one mean? It means there’s two of them and one of you, it means they can probably take you in a fist fight, it means if it comes down to fight or flight, head for the hills.
14. Is my paranoia serious? If you’re hiding in an underground bomb shelter because the government is watching you through your television, then yes. If you were an X-Files fan, then not so much.

Have your own question to ask? Throw it out there, I’m a fountain of useless information.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS