Outnumbered Two to One

And candy. Don’t forget the CANDY!!!!

Currently I’m not here , I’m here.

So if you’re looking for a HASAY update, you can forget it. You’re not getting one.

But if you want to read my HASAY guest post , then by all means read my HASAY guest post.

If you want to be entertained, now that’s a different story. You’re out of luck. I’ve got one good blog post in me per day and I’ve officially met my quota.

Really, stop grovelling, it’s unbecoming.

How about this…I’ll let my toddler talk to you.

Take it away son.

(This was taken from an actual conversation with my two year old, the translations follow.)

Toddler Say What?

1. Ah qui a bah oba deah.

2. Go way bah, go way.

3. Ah twoh a wok a pie weh. A pie weh.

4. Ah oh no.

5. Ah ey a chock oh wat.

6. No dat duo dwem.

No, Seriously What Did He Just Say?

1. I squished a bug over there.

2. Go away bug, go away.

3. I throw a rock at a spider web. A spider web.

4. I don’t know.

5. I ate a chocolate.

6. Not that, the other one.

Clearly my son has issues with small buggy things, but at least he’s honest. Just don’t confuse the words “spider web” for “pirate”, unless you want a full blown meltdown to ensue. Yeah, he’s that kind of drama queen.

I think Google is talking to me.

Lately some of the searches I’ve gotten seem less like item look-ups and more like legitimate, thought provoking questions. People are turning to the web to seek solutions to some of their more pressing issues. Whether or not they’re finding them, I’ve no way of knowing, but I thought I’d provide a few answers for them just in case.

1. Can a toddler go to the movies? I suppose he can, but you’d probably have to drive him and buy the ticket, since generally they’re not tall enough to reach the accelerator or box office window.
2. How do I start a pointless argument? Usually by asking a pointless question that you probably already know the answer to.
3. What is a typical two year old like? They’re kind of unpredictable, like wild little monkeys only more devious and with less hair.
4. Where can I complain about my internet company? First you’d have to find someone who cared enough to listen and as far as I can tell, those people are a myth and don’t actually exist. They’ve been replaced by automated voice services designed to direct you in circles as it slowly saps you of your remaining sanity so that by the time the phone call has ended, you no longer care about your internet company’s crappy service.
5. Why would a toddler put there finger in there mouth far enough to throw up? In my experience, usually just to torment their parents. See my previous monkey statement.
6. How much does DJ Lance Yo Gabba Gabba salary? Not enough considering he’s always wearing the same clothes and his gigantic boom-box is grossly outdated. Also I don’t think your question is grammatically correct.
7. What diseases can you get from cockroaches biting your genitals? I don’t have an actual answer for this, it just prompted more questions like, why exactly are cockroaches crawling on your naked genitals? I’m trying to think about how a situation like that would ever arise and can’t come up with anything except being chained in someone’s basement, in which case I doubt you’d have internet access. Keep the roaches off your privates is all I can advise.
8. Can I give my toddler Nyquil? No. Really don’t do it.
9. Why is my toddler so lethargic? Doping him up on Nyquil probably did the trick.
10. Why is my toddler scratching his genitals? Usually itching prompts scratching, unless you’re the guy with roaches on his privates.
11. How can I stay to myself, ignore a lot of drama? I’d guess by staying to yourself and ignoring the drama. Is that a trick question?
12. Why no sick days for mommy? Mostly because we’re not unionized and have a substandard benefits package.
13. What does outnumbered two to one mean? It means there’s two of them and one of you, it means they can probably take you in a fist fight, it means if it comes down to fight or flight, head for the hills.
14. Is my paranoia serious? If you’re hiding in an underground bomb shelter because the government is watching you through your television, then yes. If you were an X-Files fan, then not so much.

Have your own question to ask? Throw it out there, I’m a fountain of useless information.

I’m always grateful for every visitor Google throws my way, although occasionally I’m a little perplexed by the strings of words people plug in. I try to imagine these people bent over their computers, hunting and pecking at the keys, looking for something specific they’re not likely to find in my little corner of the blogosphere.

Here are a few of the stranger ones from January.

1. Gave my toddler small dose Nyquil -I know sick babies can be kind of grating on the nerves, but saucing them up with Nyquil is generally frowned upon. Any dose is a bad dose, in my opinion. I know I’m not a doctor or anything, but…

2. Bad things happening to little kids - probably when they’re doped up on cold medicines and stumbling around unattended.

3. Jillian Michaels nipples - I know I’ve mentioned the 30 day shred DVD in my HASAY updates, but as far as I can remember I’ve never volunteered any info about Jillian’s nips. Which leads me to wonder why anyone would search for…

4. Jillian Michaels sneezing - I would imagine that she does sneeze occasionally, but just as to why that would make news is a mystery.

5. Monkey butt powder side effects - my monkey actually prefers the butt lotion to the butt powder, which has been tested extensively on people.

6. My teenage daughter likes to pee standing up - sounds messy, and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t want anyone bragging about it.

7. Toddler violent “diaper change” - the violent toddler part doesn’t really concern me since in my experience toddlers have violent tendencies, although I have to wonder why “diaper change” is in quotations.

Then there are all the vomit related searches I’ve attracted such as…

• Feeling pukey January 2009
  
• Coughing up solid chunks
  
• Two year old toddler vomit
• Toddler puking so much that I started too
  
• Vomiting toddler smells like sour milk
  
• My two year old baby throw up
  
• 2 year old child vomits every night
• 2 year old makes herself throw up at bedtime

Obviously there are a lot of children out their tossing their cookies, I myself have one with an overactive gag reflex. But I’ve never been tempted to seek out other parents who share my barf experience, nor do I want to admit to being a sympathetic puker. Some things are better left behind closed doors, just in case they’re contagious.

I also don’t want to overlook my creepo population, those searches that have just one thing on their collective minds…

• Busty mom
  
• Busty girls
  
• Big busty
  
• mommysgotboobs.com
  
• Watched mom shower
• Adult mommie mouth soaping me

I don’t even know what that last one means, but it is decidedly ew.
And then of course there’s my favorite…

How do you love your husband when he gives you crap for years over being a sahm -this lady I feel for, this lady most definitely needs a hug and possibly a divorce.

Care to share some of your funnier searches?

To all who entered my 200th post giveaway, thank you. I wish I could give you each a prize, but being that we’re a one income household, I don’t think my husband would appreciate that very much. In my book you’re all winners, granted you get none of the loot that the actual winners will receive, but that’s just a technicality.

The copy of Maurice Sendak’s “Where the Wild Things Are” goes to…

Kia of Good Enough Mama, who was fortunate enough to be randomly selected by an unbiased (and free) online resource…maybe she should hit the slot machines to test out her new found luck. If you have the opportunity, please go by and offer your congratulations. She’s an entertaining read and not just because she has the maturity level of a 8 year old boy (her words, not mine).

The zombie hunting permit was a little tougher to decide. It seems many of you felt the imminent threat of a zombie invasion and were eager to do your part to eliminate it. Two ladies in particular took their fervor to a whole other level, declaring an all out sisterly feud in their efforts to secure their win.

Elle and Stacy of Blue Monkey Butt were relentless in their pursuit of a zombie hunting permit, taking their debate from my blog to theirs and back again. Now, if Stacy accidentally fed her sister to the advancing undead hordes, I would never forgive myself.

So, since this is my giveaway and I’m making up the rules as I go along, I’ve decided to award two hunting permits, to the Blue Monkey Butt girls, since their cutthroat contest winning skillz will make them assets to the zombie killing team.

Congrats to all three winners…and thanks again to everyone who stopped by to play, read, and comment.

If you despise zombies and enjoy Maurice Sendak, check out my giveaway.

Generally I’m not a lucky person when it comes to games of chance. It’s why I don’t gamble away my husband’s paychecks on a single game of blackjack or eat mall sushi. The odds just aren’t in my favor.Then yesterday, I got this in the mail…

Free stuff is so much better than all those annoying bills and car insurance offers I keep getting. These are my first ever online blog giveaway prize winnings, sent to me by Cyndy from DysFUNctional Mom.

Three weeks ago her adorable daughter pulled my name out of a hat, and boom! my life was transformed. I was suddenly a winner. That big invisible L on my forehead miraculously erased. I was pretty stoked. I laughed, I cried, I considered hitting the slot machines to see if things had truly turned around for me.

Instead I waited for my shipment of stuff to arrive. And it did, Saturday. Truly it was the highlight of a day spent in pajamas in front of our new game system, contemplating the thin line between pathetic and copacetic.

Now, not only do I have reading material for the next several weeks, but I can finally see what all the Twilight hype is about (I’ll keep you posted.) Also I can keep track of what page I’m on with the lovely bookmarks Cyndy sent me. Isn’t that thoughtful?

The only way it could have been better is if the bottom of the bubble padded package were lined with chocolate truffles and/or cookie pieces.

Yes, I am PMSing as a matter of fact. Why do you ask?

Wow, I can really rattle on, can’t I?

200 posts worth of rattling to be exact.

This day just kind of crept up on me, and as usual I scrambled to come up with a clever way to mark this momentous occasion…

Should I give a recap of each and every post through a series of interpretive dances?

Should I list 200 of my favorite shades of blue for your reading pleasure?

Should I eat 200 marshmallows on video I could later upload to YouTube?

Should I write a 200 line folk song about my brief blog odyssey, entitled “The Blodyssey of Bear”?

Oh, the possibilities.

In the end I took the easy way out.

I opted for my first ever giveaway.

Please, folks, try to contain yourselves.

To celebrate (besides eating myself in to a cake induced coma later this evening) I will be giving away two items to two lucky readers.

Exhibit A: A new paperback copy of “Where The Wild Things Are” by Maurice Sendak.

Item 2: A United States Zombie Hunting Permit bumper sticker issued by me and ready to affix on your zombie killing vehicle of choice.

The rules are simple (at least in my mind).

Leave a comment on this post and you’ll be entered for the book drawing. Then in one week I’ll chose a winner at random.

Leave a second comment stating why you need a Zombie Hunting Permit and in a week the Bear family and I will choose our favorite answer. That person will then be able to hunt zombies at their leisure. (Weapon and ammo not included.)

In conclusion I’d like to thank you, all of you, for reading and commenting. It’s the comments that keep me coming back like a demented comment junkie, yearning for my next fix. I might need to get it under control lest the family stage an intervention. Till that fateful day, keep coming back, feed my addiction and comment your butts off.

And of course enter the contest, which is my tiny thank you for all that you do.

Take it, I said. It would be rude not to.